Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
You Might Also Like
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.