skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no