As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.