[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division