Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.