Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
nature’s most graceful animal
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!