Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.