[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
every. time.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards