*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Great acting.. 😂
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Simple
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time