*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.