“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
You Might Also Like
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I unironically love this joke.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.