Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
You Might Also Like
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Merry Christmas
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?