Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.