How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
You Might Also Like
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me trying to “trust the process”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.