Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.