[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules