*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.