Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
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I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.