@1_swarthy_dude: Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: "It's a corny show! We just don't get it!" said one astrophysicist.
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@13spencer: One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
@envydatropic: My greatest fear is that I'll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
@MandiAtRandom: Don't describe two completely different things as "apples and oranges" they're both fruit Say something like "elephants and crystal meth"