Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
when dads have a rap battle
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH