Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.