<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing