<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Baking is just science you can eat.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Oh boy, $150,000!
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?