We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again