If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
when someone rings the doorbell
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?