Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
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Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
How it started How it’s going
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.