[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I had to Stop for this
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.