[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.