[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
i hope my email finds you on fire
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.