At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
good for her
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
These fireworks are awesome! High four!