At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again