Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.