Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok