The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up