[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Attacked by a mop.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.