[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
FRED: right
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you