If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
You Might Also Like
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people