[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
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Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Chemical wingman
My life coach traded me.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*