[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
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it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.