[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
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*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
me when I see my crush
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
FINE, I WON’T.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder