[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
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You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
A wise man once said nothing.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
TEETH IS INNOCENT
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then