[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.