At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
you will never know the true number of layers
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.