At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Why is this me 😫
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome