My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.