The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.