It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
You Might Also Like
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.