When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”