My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
What a year we’ve had this week.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme