[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.