[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
<- sleeps well with others
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
NOT all policemen are strippers.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Breaking news:
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be